This weekend was the first time I had been home in over a month. Places sure don’t take a very long time to not feel like home anymore, do they? I was relaxed there, sure, it wasn’t an entirely foreign place, but it definitely felt strange. My room wasn’t really mine anymore… my room is now a cramped living space with a lofted bed, a desk that might be better suited for a middle schooler with petty worksheets–not a college student with a laptop and books, and with more spiders than I would like to admit I’ve encountered. I felt so tall in comparison to my bed. Perhaps a metaphor about how I’ve outgrown that part of my life. That makes me a little more upset than I’d readily admit… I really don’t like the whole growing-up thing.
I’ve realized recently how my ideas and beliefs are now becoming more solidified. I don’t like that at all. I don’t want to have super concrete expectations and beliefs, because then I’m ignorant of all of the other views in the world, because I believe mine is best. It is becoming apparent to me how little I treasured my younger years, and I am now regretting it. I suppose I should “live it up” and cherish these younger years, too. It sickens me to think that in four years that I should have a steady 8-5 job to earn a steady income to pay all the bills and student loans, and if I’m lucky enough to have learned to budget my money by then, maybe a few shirts.
Of course, the world will (hopefully) be a lot more exciting than that; I’ll probably be living with some good friends. Maybe I’ll be madly in love by then, maybe I’ll have a fun job that I can’t get enough of. But I admit that I have a little case of Peter Pan Syndrome. I miss the little responsibility I used to have… I hate how childish that sounds, but I guess my mind really doesn’t want to grow up. But it has to; the world demands it of me. Which kills me. I just want to get away and travel around a little–see the world and all it has to offer. But the world doesn’t have a place for people like that.
This sounds like a whole lot of self-pity, I know. I’m trying really hard to press forward with life and earn good grades so that I can have a job that I love. And I do realize that school is a privilege that many kids don’t have and that I need to take advantage of it. I hope I don’t come across as completely ungrateful, because I’m not.
The drama with my friends has finally come to an end, and I don’t talk to one of them anymore. I hope this is as bad as the drama ever gets. And over a boy… a stupid boy… that gets me every time I think about it. I’m over it now, and I hope that everyone else is, too.
Oh, and now on to the whole subject of this entry! Going home left some very strange feelings inside me that I can’t quite put my finger on… I miss home a lot more than I think I realize. It makes me sad to leave my brother, dad and dogs. My mom is a different story; we never really got on too well, and even after two days together we still butt heads over stupid stuff. I wonder if that will ever be remedied. It makes me sad that a lot of my friends have incredibly good relationships with their parents, and I don’t. Kyle is a really good family to me. It’s hard for me to be away from him for so long, especially since he is such a big part of my life. I don’t know why, but it’s hard to pick up where I left off with him, sometimes. I just feel like I don’t have a lot of genuine connections with people–even ones that I’ve lived with for 18 years and love. It’s a very lonely feeling. And the worst part is that I don’t really know how to fix it, even though I wish I could. Is this even something that can be “fixed”? Am I thinking about it the wrong way? Sigh.
Other than that, though, I did have a lot more fun with them this weekend than I thought I would. My brother and I went on a bike ride and threw the football around. It was hard and taxing, but so great, and I hope Kyle had fun, too.
That’s it for now! Even with the recent struggles, I know I can pull through (somehow) and I know that people are here for me, which is super uplifting right now… I guess you could say that it’s still A Pretty Great Life.