Going… Home?

This weekend was the first time I had been home in over a month. Places sure don’t take a very long time to not feel like home anymore, do they? I was relaxed there, sure, it wasn’t an entirely foreign place, but it definitely felt strange. My room wasn’t really mine anymore… my room is now a cramped living space with a lofted bed, a desk that might be better suited for a middle schooler with petty worksheets–not a college student with a laptop and books, and with more spiders than I would like to admit I’ve encountered. I felt so tall in comparison to my bed. Perhaps a metaphor about how I’ve outgrown that part of my life. That makes me a little more upset than I’d readily admit… I really don’t like the whole growing-up thing.

I’ve realized recently how my ideas and beliefs are now becoming more solidified. I don’t like that at all. I don’t want to have super concrete expectations and beliefs, because then I’m ignorant of all of the other views in the world, because I believe mine is best. It is becoming apparent to me how little I treasured my younger years, and I am now regretting it. I suppose I should “live it up” and cherish these younger years, too. It sickens me to think that in four years that I should have a steady 8-5 job to earn a steady income to pay all the bills and student loans, and if I’m lucky enough to have learned to budget my money by then, maybe a few shirts.

Of course, the world will (hopefully) be a lot more exciting than that; I’ll probably be living with some good friends. Maybe I’ll be madly in love by then, maybe I’ll have a fun job that I can’t get enough of. But I admit that I have a little case of Peter Pan Syndrome. I miss the little responsibility I used to have… I hate how childish that sounds, but I guess my mind really doesn’t want to grow up. But it has to; the world demands it of me. Which kills me. I just want to get away and travel around a little–see the world and all it has to offer. But the world doesn’t have a place for people like that.

This sounds like a whole lot of self-pity, I know. I’m trying really hard to press forward with life and earn good grades so that I can have a job that I love. And I do realize that school is a privilege that many kids don’t have and that I need to take advantage of it. I hope I don’t come across as completely ungrateful, because I’m not.

The drama with my friends has finally come to an end, and I don’t talk to one of them anymore. I hope this is as bad as the drama ever gets. And over a boy… a stupid boy… that gets me every time I think about it. I’m over it now, and I hope that everyone else is, too.

Oh, and now on to the whole subject of this entry! Going home left some very strange feelings inside me that I can’t quite put my finger on… I miss home a lot more than I think I realize. It makes me sad to leave my brother, dad and dogs. My mom is a different story; we never really got on too well, and even after two days together we still butt heads over stupid stuff. I wonder if that will ever be remedied. It makes me sad that a lot of my friends have incredibly good relationships with their parents, and I don’t. Kyle is a really good family to me. It’s hard for me to be away from him for so long, especially since he is such a big part of my life. I don’t know why, but it’s hard to pick up where I left off with him, sometimes. I just feel like I don’t have a lot of genuine connections with people–even ones that I’ve lived with for 18 years and love. It’s a very lonely feeling. And the worst part is that I don’t really know how to fix it, even though I wish I could. Is this even something that can be “fixed”? Am I thinking about it the wrong way? Sigh.

Other than that, though, I did have a lot more fun with them this weekend than I thought I would. My brother and I went on a bike ride and threw the football around. It was hard and taxing, but so great, and I hope Kyle had fun, too.

That’s it for now! Even with the recent struggles, I know I can pull through (somehow) and I know that people are here for me, which is super uplifting right now… I guess you could say that it’s still A Pretty Great Life.

C

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New Experiences Mean New Questions

People are different, so their reactions to college are all over the board. I’m not where my reaction is falling in the whole bell curve of the college experience, but I suppose I’d be somewhere within the average. But I don’t know. I’m just struggling with the family aspect of things. I do miss my brother and my pups, but it’s all I can do to not explode on the phone sometimes when my parents call. My dad is better than my mom is about it, but, then again, he always has been. I just feel like I’m apart, but not really apart, and now I wish I would have taken Michelle’s advice and gone out of state. But I suppose there’s nothing to be done about that now, and really, I do love it here. The people are great, the food isn’t shit and I get regular sleep. What more could I ask for? I still have no idea what I want to do (but most seniors I’ve met say that that’s the way to go). What do I do about the family part, though?

Half of me feels like a heartless bitch and the other half says that it’s normal to not miss them. It’s just such a chore for me to keep them updated… I feel bad about not being able to reciprocate their desire to talk. I mean, it’s not my fault, really, but I still feel like most kids have a much more intimate relationship with their parents here. I hear them talk to them and not be ashamed for them to come to the dorm and meet their hall mates. But I can’t say that about myself. Am I just being immature about the whole thing? I don’t know. But you should hear Maddie talk to her parents; it’s like they’re each other’s best friend. My conversations sound like a stoic harsh exchange. Is it just because I’m not an emotional person? I don’t know. Sigh. I feel especially bad when I ask for things from them–like money–and I haven’t really made an effort to talk to them…

College is bringing about a lot of questioning, I guess. That’s a good thing, though; you grow from questioning yourself. But I just hope nobody gets hurt in the process of my questioning.

~C

(Finally) Settled In!

Wow! 13 days shy of a month that I haven’t been on here. I guess college really doesn’t leave you with much free time at all… And the free time that you DO have is usually spent with friends. Needless to say, I’ve made a few, and I’ve also gotten better at talking to people, so I’m not such an awkward apple anymore. Yay! I’m really starting to enjoy math (but I really always have) and classes are a lot different than I expected them to be.

I already have four tests (one for each of my classes) next week, a paper due this week, and another one that a girl Caroline told me about today in the hall. Things are really starting to pick up, and what frustrates me is that the more you’re involved in college, the more your social life picks up, too; it’s like they’re codependent. When I have nothing to do, none of my friends can do anything, so I usually sit and mill around on Facebook and text them, but when I have a shit ton of homework to do, there’s Salsa Dancing, Zumba, lunch to be had…

Speaking of salsa dancing, I went last night with my roommate and it’s a blast! I was really skeptical at first, but I’m SO glad I went. There are so many good dancers there, but there’s also totally weird dancers like me, and everyone just goes and pays $5 and has a good ass time no matter what.

I have to go get my laundry soon… I complain about it, but there’s something strangely rewarding about doing your own laundry! And doing it right, too! Some people don’t know their darks from their lights and some of my girlfriends didn’t have lingerie bags!

I don’t have any classes tomorrow (Thursday) so I am free to do whatever I darn well please tonight. In terms of staying up late, that is. My roommate is sleeping, though, so I’m trying to be quiet. Also, my roommate’s name is Abbey, so that I can just call her by her actual name, and she’s super cool! Our schedules conflict sometimes because she’s on track and they have practice and weights and team dinners and such, but I’m glad that she and I don’t have some of the drama that the other girls have. Really, it’s been quite childish from what I’ve heard. Girls locking other girls out of bathrooms, girls complaining about another girl’s unfair treatment of her… I mean, I’m all for complaining, but complain to your roommate in a mature fashion–we’re all adults here–and I’m sure things will be resolved.

I finally started taking my ADD medicine again (after much inner turmoil) and it’s been a good change so far. I was actually able to focus today, which was so great, and really necessary considering the amount of homework and stuff that I need to do.

 

Well, the laundry should be done by now, and even though I have tomorrow off, there are still things to be done in this Pretty Great Life.

 

~C