I’m convinced that time doesn’t exist in college. Like our clocks are just a jumble of lines and dots and when those lines and dots align in a certain pattern, we know that we need to be in some specific place ready to learn about x, y, z important things. Or, perhaps Groundhog Day is a better analogy. You know, the movie with Bill Murray? No judgment if you don’t know what I’m talking about; I don’t know much about the movie besides the basic plot. Essentially, Bill Murray’s character (I don’t even know his name) is stuck living the same day over and over again until he finally gets it right. (“Gets it right”–as seen so often in popular movies–entails “getting the girl of his dreams”). That’s what college feels like… the same day over and over again… I feel like I haven’t aged at all and no time has really passed. That sounds terrible, but it really isn’t; the day I’m reliving over and over again isn’t a shitty one at all. But still. Since I’ve been here, I’ve realized how I’ve slowly lost track of who I am and where I want to be headed. It’s a different kind of lost than I’ve ever experienced, though. It’s not the kind of panicked lost that you feel when you’re five years old and lost in the grocery store… it’s the kind of lost where you don’t notice you’re lost at all. I’d rather know I’m lost and be panicked. It’s like I’ve totally forgotten the woman I wanted to be at the end of summer and everything that she stood so firmly for. Is this who I am now? Have I changed just like that? That quickly? I hope not… I just have this funny feeling that something’s wrong and unhealthy about the way I’m living my life right now. The worst part is how difficult it is to get away from everything and really reflect on how I’m living. I suppose that’s why break exists, though, isn’t it? What do I do? I haven’t felt this personally lost within myself for a very long time, and it really just infuriates me that leaving to college could shake what I believed so harshly. It’s like I’m searching for something that I’ll never find. It’s such an obscure feeling. I suppose a schedule will help, but I entirely abhor schedules. Setting aside some “me time” would probably help more than anything. Blogging or journaling on a semi-regular basis would help, probably. Yoga and/or daily exercise… I’ll start with journaling and me time, I suppose. Since healing and self-help always starts from the inside!
Man, I hate to be so down, but today was just an entirely shitty day. Like, I don’t even know why, but all of a sudden, I was just in a terrible mood. Ugh. I’m still in a little bit of a funk. I think it’s lack of sleep and regular eating patterns. But really, I haven’t had a terrible need for a lot of sleep at college (thank the lord almighty) and I eat when I’m hungry. Today, though I can literally feel the dark circles under my eyes. It’s a pretty heavy feeling. Like, my entire head just feels heavy and I am cognitively checked out.
Anyways, on the bright side! I finally figured out my major (for now). Communication major and a Biomedical Sciences minor. 132 more credits to go, but if that’s what it takes to get myself where I wanna be, then come at me! I’m so pumped that I finally have that small part of my life figured out. Now everything can kinda fall into place! That’s how life usually works.
Man, that’s another thing about college; people worry so freaking much about their future. They don’t worry about practical things, either. They ask about the jobs they’ll have in the future, the things they wanna do… but the one that surprises me so much is how much 18-year-old kids are so focused on high-income jobs. Like… gosh… you aren’t asking yourself: man, what do I really like, what am I passionate about, what do I want to do now? It’s kinda miserable to be around, honestly, when people worry so much about something that they haven’t even gotten to yet.
I should probably be getting to work now, though… So much work with finals and all! But I suppose a busy life makes a pretty great life.